Towel etiquette

Today, Joe shares his wisdom on when to use the towels and dishcloths in the kitchen. (The short answer is: Never.) He hopes that this knowledge will help other struggling husbands understand the very complex rules governing kitchen towel usage.

Joe's Guide to Rules for Using Kitchen Towels

1. Do not be fooled. Just because kitchen towels and dishcloths are hanging in strategic locations in your kitchen does not mean that they are meant to actually be used. If you ARE allowed to use them, it must be for something that is clean, such as dishes or hands that have just been thoroughly scrubbed and disinfected. Under no circumstance should a towel be allowed to touch a surface that in any way may have been contaminated by a single speck of dirt or germ.

2. A drop of water on the counter may, under special circumstances, be okay to wipe up with a towel, but you should check with your wife first.

3. If you are told not to use a particular towel for some purpose, do not ask why, or even "What CAN I use this towel for?" The answer will be: Nothing.

4. Do not use a kitchen towel or dishcloth to wipe up your coffee maker. For this purpose, you are expected to use the worst rags in the house. Warning: Penalty for violating this rule is severe.

5. Under NO circumstances is a towel to be used to wipe up any part of your person that is bleeding. For this you must seek some other object of cleanup, preferably one found outdoors, such as leaves.

6. Also do not, under any circumstances, use any kitchen towels to wipe up spills on the floor, even if a spill is merely water that is pouring out from under the refrigerator and is threatening to swamp your whole house unless you wipe it up right away. In this situation you are expected to go into the basement, rummage around in the "yucky" towel container, and bring several "yucky" towels back to the kitchen to wipe up the mess. You will not see any difference whatsoever between the "yucky" towels and the towels already in your kitchen, but this does not matter. Your wife knows the difference.

7. When you are done wiping up the swamp in your kitchen with the "yucky" towels, do not put the "yucky" towels in the wash with the "good" towels. This will somehow, according to your wife, transfer yuckiness from the yucky towels to the good towels, and she will have to relegate them all to the yucky towel container and buy new good towels, which of course you will not be allowed to touch for at least two years.

8. If all these rules are too hard to remember, just adhere to this one simple rule: Use paper towels for everything.