Chestnuts -- and employees -- roasting

I imagine our tax man furrowing his brow over some of my work expenses when we bring in all our receipts.

"Let's see," he will say. "Fingerless gloves, $10. Fleece zip-up vest, $20. Plush scarf, $30. These are for work?"

"It's cold there," I'll say.

"Hmmm...and the Ultra Supreme Polar Microfleece, Microplush Blanket, in Chocolate Brown?"

"It's really cold," I will say.

"You're sure the blanket's not for naps?" he might probe, in an accusing manner.

"Of course not!" I will say indignantly. Because -- although I will not mention this -- napping at the office works pretty well with or without a blanket.

And then he will come to the cost for the portable heater, my latest attempt to ward off the persistent cold in our office. This is the second one I've tried. The first heater took itself very seriously, imagining that it was responsible for heating the entire building instead of just my little cubicle. It came with a thermostat, and it would cycle on and off to keep the area at just the right level of heat. Unfortunately, the lights in my cubicle and the one next to me would also cycle on and off, neatly coinciding with the heater's action. The heater was unceremoniously dumped back into the box, along with all of its illusions of importance, and hastily returned to Walmart.

The new heater thoughtfully comes with 3 speeds, so in the chill of the morning you can start out with the heat on High, and then when the chill starts to wear off -- say, around 4:55 -- you can turn it down to Low.

But even on Low, this heater is a little zealous when it comes to output. The experience is sort of like hanging out at a campfire, roasting marshmallows, where the front of you -- which is facing the fire -- is burning up, but your back feels like it's sliding down an icy bobsled run. And you have to turn yourself occasionally to balance things out, like the marshmallow, so you don't burst into flames.

Since sitting at a computer does not afford much opportunity to turn yourself around, the heater must be strategically placed for maximum effect. For me this necessitated crawling around on the floor under my desk. If you're wondering whether the area under your desk at work gets cleaned regularly, the answer is no. Whatever falls there, or dies there, pretty much stays there. Kinda like Vegas.

I have not yet found a spot for the heater where I am not simultaneously both freezing and ready to shed some clothing. The instructions for the heater strictly forbid users not to place the item within 3 feet of any object, wall, ceiling, floor, building, body of water, etc. It does not say that the user should not turn a recycling bin upside down and place the heater on top, so that is what I intend to try next.

And hopefully the tax man will not question the marshmallow receipt.