The little-known crime

While we like to believe that acts of terror and criminality are committed in faraway places, it has come to my attention that possible serious crimes are being committed much closer to home. In fact, IN our homes. Could YOU be a criminal without even being aware of it? Take this simple quiz to find out.

For what purposes do you use facial tissue? (Check all that apply.)
(a) as a, um, facial tissue
(b) as an eyeglass cleaner
(c) as a dust cloth
(d) as emergency toilet paper

If you answered anything other than (a), you have sadly crossed over into that element of criminality from which there may be no return. Because according to a certain box of facial tissues I have here in my possession, "it is a violation of federal law to use this product in a manner inconsistent with its labeling. Use only as a facial tissue." (emphasis added)

Given the proliferation of facial tissues, particularly at the present cold and flu season, clearly this potential violation of their use is a serious matter. Who knows how many millions of ordinary citizens are engaging in criminal acts using facial tissues? How is the government regulating the use of these tissues? Will we face a critical shortage of tissues because people are using them for unlawful purposes? And why aren't the feds pursuing these dangerous criminals? They're off chasing terrorists -- who no doubt know better than to use a facial tissue to clean their glasses -- while in our own neighborhoods, our schools, our own homes, facial tissues are being used illegally. Perhaps we need to form Neighborhood Watch programs to catch people in the act. Clearly, we need answers from our congresspeople. We urge you to contact your congressperson today and demand to know what is being done about the unlawful use of facial tissues!

Maybe we would think twice about engaging in criminal acts while in possession of a facial tissue if the product clearly stated the potential consequences of doing so: If anyone is found using these tissues in a manner inconsistent with their labeling, he or she will be sentenced to 5 years hard labor dusting and redusting the White House, Congress, and the Supreme Court chambers with 2-ply Moisture Lock Anti-Bacterial tissues in Pink Dots.

If, after honest, careful analysis of your personal use of facial tissue, you realize that you are guilty of violating their usage intent, there is only one thing to do: renounce your unlawful ways and determine to never, never use facial tissue other than as a facial tissue. And join your Neighborhood Watch program.