Facial tissue, continued

In the last post we saw the potential of facial tissue -- that most seemingly innocent of household items -- to tempt otherwise law-abiding citizens to a life of crime, by inciting them to use it "in a manner inconsistent with its labeling." There is another troubling aspect to certain facial tissues that are labeled "anti-viral," which according to one box have "three soft layers, including a moisture-activated middle layer that kills 99.9% of cold and flu viruses in the tissue within 15 minutes." The box lists the particular viruses the product is effective against, and none of them are ever the one you have, and in fact the viruses listed have not been detected in any human being since the days of Enoch, who walked with God and then was seen no more because God took him, although he did leave behind his favorite box of facial tissue.

But the troubling aspect of these anti-viral tissues is that part about the moisture-activated middle layer, with its promise of annihilating viruses in 15 minutes. Might not the assurance of death to viruses encourage some risky behavior on the part of individuals who like to engage in risky behavior, such as sharing facial tissues? Picture two individuals, of questionable repute, in a dimly lit alley:

First risky individual (in low, guttural tones): Hey, man, have my facial tissue.
Second risky individual (glancing around furtively): Uh, you sure it's safe?
First risky individual: Of course. It's got a moisture-activated middle layer that kills the viruses. They're history, dude.
Second risky individual (nervously): Well, okay.

But of course these individuals will not read the list of affected viruses -- none of which they will have anyway -- and thus will begin the lightning-quick spread of some dread supervirus, unchecked and unaffected by all the anti-viral facial tissues we can throw at it, and after the supervirus has spread through the risky-behavior community it will go on to infect the ranks of those whose only risky behavior is to use facial tissue occasionally to clean their glasses, leading ultimately to the conquering of the human race by killer viruses and smudgy eyeglasses.

Lest we fall into despair at this grim prospect, we leave you with a cheerful little jingle, taken directly from a certain box of facial tissues and which I had nothing to do with writing, although if I had, it is quite probable that I would not admit it.

"Don't be bashful. Don't be shy. It's time to unabashedly _____ (here we have a phrase that is trademarked, and thus I will not reproduce it. Suffice to say that it means the opposite of "hold it in").

"So be messy. Be imperfect. Be liberated and free. Be what you are. Be human (Are they suggesting this is different from "Be what you are?"). Blow it loud and blow it proud!"

Just make sure you are blowing an approved virus.