Global cooling

According to news sources, it has been so cold in Florida recently that the normal balance of things in nature has been greatly upset. Crops, such as orange juice, are in danger. The normally crowded beaches are virtually empty of men in Speedos. Okay, so maybe this cold snap is not such a bad thing.

Wildlife has been particularly hard hit. Manatees, used to frolicking about (as much as a 1200-lb. animal can frolic) in balmy waters, have been forced by the cold to seek warmer areas, their first choice being Hawaii, but since the distance was too great for the little ones, they have huddled in the waters near power plants.

Iguanas, losing their grip from the cold, are slipping into comas and dropping from trees, which carries all sorts of social ramifications. (Dear Mrs. Snyder, Please excuse Matthew's absence from school yesterday. An iguana fell and hit him on the head on the way to school and gave him a concussion. But don't worry, he remembers everything you've taught him this year, including the native dance you showed the students). Sincerely, Mrs. Thompson. P.S. Is it true that you used to perform the dance while skimpily dressed?) (Dear Mrs. Thompson, I am sending Matthew back home today. School has been canceled so we can use it as a shelter for turtles being rescued from the cold. Sincerely, Mrs. Snyder. P.S. I think you should have Matthew's head checked again.)

At least one wildlife official is of the opinion that iguanas dying in large numbers is not such a bad thing. They are not native to Florida, she explains, and therefore don't belong there. Of course the same thing could be said about 99.3 percent of Florida's human population. So far this official has not made any announcements about what should be done with them.

The plight of the iguanas has ignited compassion in the general public, who, unsuspecting of their exotic origins, have been acting as Good Samaritans and escorting the comatose iguanas to sunny spots where they can recover and scamper off into the bushes and continue mating and adding even more exotic animals to the area.

Unfortunately the cold does not seem to affect pythons, which thrive in large numbers in the swamps and can survive cooler temperatures. But the same wildlife official notes that the pythons do tend to come out into the open sunny areas to get warmed up, and this is good for hunters. Hopefully she will never be placed in charge of the state's Commission on Aging.

The cold has affected other life forms, too. Though far from Florida, certain editors in Maryland, unable to generate heat through normal sources, have huddled around the only reliable source of heat in their office: the office printer. Like the iguanas, below a certain temperature the editors are less able to move around, and finally they become immobile from lack of blood flow. Eventually, they are unable to typ