Cable standard, Easter Bunny optional

Holiday Inn, which like all hotels no doubt responds in a timely and sensitive manner to customer complaints and wishes regarding better service, increased cleanliness, more butter on their pancakes, etc., has chosen to tackle a most pressing problem: that of guests having to climb into a frigid bed. The hotel chain is trying out a new, innovative solution to this problem in certain hotels in England, involving a willing human -- the hotel stresses that this is a voluntary position -- who will dress in an "all-in-one fleece sleeper suit" and warm up a grateful guest's bed in preparation for the guest's sleep. Apparently the guest is not also occupying the bed during the warm-up period, although the hotel does not say exactly where the guest will be.

According to a representative, this is "a bit like having a hot water bottle in your bed." Or a bit like having the Easter Bunny in your bed.

A few concerns come to mind, particularly in light of the hotel's inability to confirm that the bed-warmer will have showered before entering your bed. This thought alone may negate any good that might have come from having a toasty warm bed prepared for you.

And what if the bed becomes so cozy and warm that the bed-warmer falls asleep? What if the bed-warmer decides he or she likes YOUR bed better than his or her own bed? Will you have to call security to oust the Easter Bunny from your room?

Will there be any charge for this service? What if a guest wants his or her picture taken with the fuzzy bed-warmer? Will this go directly on the guest's tab?

Although the idea may sound new and innovative, it actually has its roots in ancient Greece, where (this is true) men of prominence would, like many men today, visit their local pub for some manly interaction and friendly political debate, but instead of holding their debates over manly beer, they would hold them while seated on marble toilets. All lined up in a row, without the benefit of stalls -- people were much more accepting of their own and others' bodies back then -- right there out in the open for anyone to see, unless you were a woman, in which case you stayed sanely at home and pretended your beloved was not in a roomful of men all in a compromising condition.

But there was one problem. The marble was cold, and the men did not want to sit their bare heinies down on the cold marble -- these were important men -- so they brought in slaves (this is also true) to warm up their seats for them. The slaves, naturally, did not have access to modern Holiday Inn all-in-one fleece suits, and most likely had to resort to warming the seats by more natural, God-given means. So at least with the fleece suits we are making some progress in this area of warming things up for other people.

For my part, the hotel can just give me a brand-new, squeaky clean fleece sleeper suit in MY size, and we'll be all set.