Pigs 'r us?

Last week we touched on the relative mental abilities of pigs and chickens. This leads us to a related topic: the relative mental abilities of pigs and humans, who at first glance do not seem to have much in common. But there seem to be some remarkable similarities, if you look at research on pigs.

According to researchers, when given the chance pigs enjoy lying around, drinking, smoking, and watching TV (but are not so fond of cleaning). Rumor has it that among their favorite shows is Dirty Jobs, which they see as some sort of Olympic competition, something all self-respecting pigs should aspire to.

Of course, food plays a major role in a pig's life, just as it does in ours. If a pig has reason to believe that another pig has inside knowledge about a stash of food somewhere -- in other words, the first pig is male and the pig with inside knowledge is female -- the first pig will follow the other one in hopes of discovering the food. But the second pig, tired of having to share her spoil, will attempt to get rid of the first pig so she can have the food all to herself.

I think if researchers looked into this more thoroughly, they might find that although it appears that the second pig is unwilling to share her food, perhaps the first pig just didn't look hard enough for it. Or maybe the second pig deliberately hid the food by putting some other, less desirable food in front of the more desirable food, knowing that the first pig would not move it to find out what's behind it.

Pigs are, of course, very conscientious about composting, and love to root around for food in garbage heaps. And in the wild, pigs will industriously scout out food sources that are not necessarily easy to get to. In other words, pigs love a good sale, especially if not a lot of other pigs know about it.

Pigs are industrious in other ways, too. According to researchers, they can roll out rugs. This behavior is particularly seen in conscientious pig mothers, who do not want their spouses and offspring messing up the floors with their dirty feet.

Pigs can even be taught to play video games. Here is where I, personally, am distinguished from the average research swine. I cannot be taught to play video games.

Goodness knows, Joe has tried to teach me. With great patience. But the action on the screen remains totally unrelated to anything I am doing with my hands. Unable to make the joystick do what I want, I resort to shouting at my character on the screen: "No, no, take the other tunnel!" "What do you mean, you didn't see that mountain in front of your plane??" This has about the same effect as when I suggest, even loudly, to other drivers on the road that perhaps they should choose another lane to drive in, or another state.

Of course, pigs are probably rewarded handsomely with something from the garbage heap once they get the hang of playing a video game. Perhaps if someone would reward ME with a shopping trip, I might be able to learn too.