A cruise to remember...the smell

Opinions are divided as to whether taking a cruise to Antarctica is a good idea or not. We base this extremely scientific analysis on a grand total of two people we know who have been on such a cruise. These two people, although married and having gone on the exact same trip together, nevertheless have extremely different viewpoints on the experience. In fact, the head nodding of one and the head shaking of the other pretty much canceled each other out, leaving us with a neutral view of the idea.

"It's such a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, you just have to go," the wife said.

"Don't go," the husband said, "unless you really, really, REALLY like penguins."

Because penguins are apparently the only thing to see in Antarctica, other than some ice.

"You smell them long before you see them," the husband went on. "All they do is stand around and poop all day."

The cost of the cruise, around $10,000, may deter you from considering such a trip, but consider that included in that cost, depending on your cruise, may be the chance to leave the safety of your boat -- designed to withstand ice in the likely event you encounter some that will crush you -- ride in a little blow-up raft to an island, disembark, and stand around with, as the husband noted, "five thousand penguins, all pooping." Note: Human visitors are NOT allowed to do this.

But, according to one cruise company's Web site, if you go during penguin mating season, you are also promised "spectacular courtship rituals." This is a time of year when the penguins take time out from their busy pooping schedule to have a little fun, and apparently they are not shy about having an audience.

The husband blamed his mother-in-law for "getting us into these things." The mother-in-law, 88, declared 10 years ago that she was "not traveling anymore," and since then has visited not only Antarctica but also Africa, Asia (twice), and numerous other exotic spots. Joe and I thought we'd like to try not traveling like that.

The trip was not entirely a waste, the husband admitted. "They give you a special parka for the cold, which you get to keep," he said. "And I bought a baseball cap that says Antarctica." I imagined the penguins discreetly running a nice little side business for the tourists ("Get your parkas here!"). Now if they would just sell pooper-scoopers...