Invasion of the Mummy Bugs!

Today we continue our look at the troubling and sometimes violent world of insects. Last time we saw that some aphids, which are common pests on plants, are forced -- thanks to the historically weak Aphid Union -- to work for ants, who herd them around and dictate which plants they can live on. The ants do this so they can have a monopoly on the aphids' sticky honeydew substance, which is considered a great delicacy among ants. Like other oppressed populations throughout history, such as teenagers not allowed to use iPhones in class, the aphids take what revenge they can on their captors: They secrete the honeydew from a very sensitive part of their anatomy, and then laugh at the ants behind their backs.

But at least the ants do not actually harm aphids, which is more than can be said for the parasitic wasp, believed to have escaped in 1952 from a horror novel. These wasps buzz around looking for defenseless aphids, which pretty much includes all aphids, because the wasps need a suitable host for their eggs, and according to wasp insurance guidelines, aphids are a Preferred Provider of Maternity Services.

So a wasp will inject eggs into the aphids, without even the benefit of anesthesia, and the eggs develop into larvae, and the larvae inevitably develop into adolescents, who inevitably need something to eat. They help themselves to the nearest cupboard, which happens to be the aphid's innards. Gradually they take over the aphid's body from the inside, eventually turning the aphid into a walking mummy. From there they join up with other mummies and plan a hostile world takeover --

Whoops! We may have gotten a little carried away.

As long as we are marching up the chain of diabolical insects, we might as well talk about the phorid fly. Phorid flies make the parastic wasp look positively like Mother Teresa. Phorid flies come from South America -- Exporter of All Horrifying Things that Fly or Crawl -- and have been brought to this country on purpose specifically to deal with fire ants. Fire ants, not coincidentally, also come from South America, which is evidence that our immigration laws really do need some tweaking. But that is another topic.

Like the parasitic wasp, the phorid fly deposits its eggs in the fire ants, and the emerging flies similarly take over the ants and turn them into mummies. But they don't just stop at controlling the ants' bodies. The flies -- through amazing new insect GPS technology -- find their way to the ants' heads and chew through what little brain must be in there. They secrete some special, secret enzyme, the recipe for which has been jealously guarded by generations of grandma flies, and the ant's head just -- plop! -- falls off.

My mother, though a gentle soul normally, has had the misfortune to meet fire ants up close and in person, and would therefore approve of the charity work the phorid fly is doing on behalf of our scientists and government. So would six-year-old males.