Slug fest

Certain countries aren't the only places that harbor individuals bent on doing harm. Nasty individuals are lurking much nearer to home, such as the large rocks in our garden, which appear to offer a safe haven for a strong contestant in nature's Ugliest Creature Pageant: slugs. Slugs are one of those species that make you wonder what the Lord had in mind when He put them here. You might also wonder this about sauerkraut, but today we will confine our discussion to slugs.

Genetically speaking, slugs are related to giant slimeballs, but with antennae. (Editorial note: We would include a picture of a slug here, or at least a link to one, but due to the severe Gross Factor of slugs, the Princess has a contract clause stating that in the performance of her blog duties, she will not be required to look up photos of disgusting creatures. You can look them up yourself if you have a strong stomach.)

Besides being ugly and slimy, slugs are also bullies, making huge holes in your defenseless plants with slug-size Bazookas. It is thus advisable to encourage slugs to leave your garden, preferably on a permanent basis. There are three general ways to do this.

1. The happy way: Slugs are only too happy to end a busy work day with the Bazookas by indulging in a drink of beer. You can entice them with a trap consisting of beer in a tuna fish can, which, once they have crawled into it, will cause them to sway and begin singing "Auld Lang Syne." No, not really! But the beer does drown them. Before setting out beer baits, you should be aware of any minimum slug drinking age in your neighborhood. You might also put up tiny signs reminding the slugs to "Please Drink Responsibly."

2. The painful way: You can buy slug pellets to spread around your plants, which, when the slugs ingest them, will cause them to stop eating. Soon they will become too weak to lift their Bazookas, and eventually they fade away and become part of the Great World of Dead Nature.

You can also spread diatomaceous earth around the plants that slugs are attracted to. Diatomaceous earth consists of ground-up fossils that are as sharp as glass, so that when the slugs crawl over this stuff, it slices through their skin, and -- well, you get the picture. If you feel this method is too cruel, you might supply the slugs with some beer along with the diatomaceous earth.

3. The personal touch: Many experts, particularly those concerned with the environment and slugs' rights, recommend picking the slugs off your plants by hand. Since slugs prefer to work in the darkness, this usually entails crawling around the garden at night with a flashlight, fully aware that these slimy creatures are also out there crawling around, and might mistake you for a plant. But don't worry too much; miniature Bazookas don't really do that much damage to human flesh.

The personal-touch method of slug control is advocated by Martha Stewart, who no doubt also offers a line of handmade invitations specifically for this situation ("Slugs: Looking to travel? Please join us for an informative discussion on seeing the sights outside the garden. Time: Dusk. Place: Edge of garden."). Martha does not mention what the gardener is to do with the slugs once in hand, but I imagine olive oil and garlic are involved.

We hope that this discussion of slug-riddance methods has been helpful. If you know of any slug recipes, please, do not share them with us.