Don't mind us--or, No, we are not breaking into our own home

There could be many reasons that two otherwise typical people have been recently observed climbing over the porch railing to their back door whenever they exit or enter the house, as if they were unaware of the perfectly good set of stairs nearby. They might need some exercise after ignoring their Y membership all spring. Perhaps they are practicing in case they are ever cast in a movie about a couple breaking into a house. Perhaps they really are breaking into the house.

But let me hasten to assure our neighbors, friends, and Neighborhood Watch that no, we are not breaking into our house. We are merely avoiding our recently painted steps, which despite all the assurances from the Home Depot paint department that the paint color would deepen to a lovely shade of dark red called Dozen Roses, have turned out Fire Engine Red even after two coats of paint. For two days they have been shrouded in plastic, so that the threatened rain showers do not wash all our efforts away, and also because the plastic helps shield the glare. And also so that our homeowner's association does not discover that the glare is coming from a forbidden outdoor color.

We also painted our decorative ladder Fire Engine Red, although with only one coat, it more closely resembles Fire Engine Streaked Pink. For years Joe has been plotting to get rid of this ladder, ever since I brought it home from a junk store, where its charm captivated me. Its charm has not captivated Joe. It did not pull its weight in terms of usefulness, being merely decorative, and to him mere decorativeness is a grievous sin, ranking right up there with pride and greed and hogging the bathroom.

After unsuccessfully campaigning for the ladder's removal, Joe began devising ways we might put it to use. He contemplated suspending it from the kitchen ceiling as a home for lights, or possibly pots and pans. Or possibly it could assist us with getting into the attic. Finally he banished the ladder from the house, and I hung it on the fence in the backyard, where it made a nice home for carpenter bees until we painted it and covered up all their holes.

But now, with the steps unusable for a while, we may be able to put the ladder to good use. We could prop it up to the family room window and climb in the house that way while the steps dry, and thus alarm the Neighborhood Watch AND the Homeowner's Association. Never mind that the window has been inoperable from the inside for four years. It is so old and battered that, from the outside, it is probably the work of a few minutes to open it, especially for unauthorized entrants. Which we are not. Really.