Child's talk

Every now and then I come across some phrase or sentence in my work that amuses me. It is usually something no one else would be amused by, including the authors who wrote it.

For instance, right now I’m editing a college textbook on how to teach reading. The authors talk about evaluating a child’s use of language by using something called the MLU, or "Mighty Louisiana Underwear." No, really, MLU stands for "Mean Length of Utterance." The idea behind this is that the higher the child’s MLU, the more words he is using in a sentence, hence the more complex his sentences and the higher his chances of getting into an Ivy League school and becoming a politician someday, where his excess verbiage would be especially useful. (Unless, of course, the child’s MLU is artificially inflated by the constant use of the word “like,” as in “Like, so, do you, like, wanna, like, play, like?” This may result in a negative MLU, something no would-be politician wants in his past. The press would have a field day.)

But back to the book I am editing. The authors give examples of two children’s sentences:

Child A: I wanna play. I’m not hungry. See you ‘morrow, bye. (MLU = 4.0)

Child B: I wanted to play because I am not hungry. I will see you tomorrow. (MLU = 7.5)

Child A, obviously, is the weaker of the two verbally, although the sentence is at least free of “likes.”

Child B, just as obviously, does not live on any planet known to man.

Sometimes I wonder, as I am editing books written by professors and such, just how long it has been since they have seen an actual child. Other than while glancing out the window as they are writing, of course. What child talks like that?

Maybe a child whose parents are bent on getting him or her into Harvard or Yale. "Now, Humphrey, dear, do remember not to use contractions. Your MLU will be so much higher without them. Besides, it makes you sound so...common."

"Of course, Mother, I always endeavor to please you and Father, particularly after all the sacrifices you have made for me, and I would never do anything to bring shame upon your good name." (MLU = 35)

So if you have aspirations of getting your child into the best colleges, forget the SAT and ACT. What matters is the MLU. Making the acquaintance of a professor-author probably wouldn't hurt, either. Maybe he could feature your child in his next book.