May you help me?

There seems to be a disturbing trend for people engaged in performing work at one's house to base their quality of work on how nice you are to them. Apparently, politeness on the part of homeowners is not enough anymore; you must also praise the workers' abilities, complement their uniform, and offer homemade apple pie and iced tea (hot tea in winter).

And those little forms they are forever filling out but won't let you see? Those are part of the Homeowner Friendliness Rating Scale, which they use to help them quantify how nice you are to them and, consequently, what level of service they will render you. There are 72 Homeowner Characteristics, which the worker checks off as he pretends to study the problem you are having with your refrigerator, electrical system, or moles in the backyard. The more approachable you are, the higher you rate, and the better service you will get. The scoring works like this:

72, High: This homeowner is extremely personable and worthy of your highest efforts. Spare no effort to meet this homeowner's needs, even staying the night if necessary to get the work done. If there are parts that must be ordered, offer to travel yourself, at your own expense, to Taiwan to obtain needed parts.

30-71, Medium: The average homeowner will score here. This person is happy to see you but only because you can make his or her miserable life happy again. This person has no real interest in your dog's recent demise or your daughter's 3.472829301 grade point average. Fix the problem, but don't go the extra mile. Optional: If homeowner scores in the low end of this range, you may choose to skip informing him or her of the free extended warranty.

15-29, Low: Some homeowners can be nudged into the Medium category with subtle hints, for instance, "How much extra are you willing to pay to have your outlets working again?" If they do not respond favorably, perform the maintenance in such a way as to ensure that another service rep will have to come out again within seven months.

0-14, Insulting: Get out as fast as possible. Say the work is impossible to accomplish and advise homeowner to sell and move into a tent. Enter homeowner's name and address on the National Service Worker's Blacklist, and destroy all evidence of original work request. If homeowner scores 0, you are perfectly within your rights to sabotage the system you are supposed to be working on, without informing homeowner.

I was first alerted to this trend when we moved into our home last year. My sister was with us, and I noticed that she got the movers to do things that they had told me they didn't have time to do. Things like take apart a bookcase and move it, with ample groans and sweat, up the narrow stairway, to the second floor. Or put the door back on its hinges after they had taken it off to carry stuff through it. I watched, mystified.

My sister saw my consternation (or maybe it was my "How did you get them to do that??") and whispered, "You have to be really, really sweet to them. They'll do more for you."

Well. I didn't know, exactly, that I was doing anything wrong. I wouldn't have said I was being sour, but I do tend to be somewhat businesslike with people who are working in a business capacity, as opposed to someone I love dearly and have known my whole life.

The next day the electrician came out.

My sister was there again, and this time I watched her technique. She asked questions with what seemed to me exaggerated interest, nodded enthusiastically at the electrician's answers, made generous use of elaborate facial expressions, and went into raptures over the tiniest thing accomplished. In short, she killed the man with flattery.

But then she had to leave, and I was left to play this rather daunting role. I cleared my throat and said in a voice three times higher than my natural voice (which is already pretty squeaky), "So, uh, how's your dog? I mean, um, do you have a dog?"

He looked at me as if I were the dog and went back to his work. Great. I could see that I was going to be scraping the bottom of the Homeowner Friendliness Rating Scale. I could only hope that my sister had racked up enough points to at least get us into the Medium range.

It took him three hours after that to finish up. I did feel sorry for him, having to squeeze through our tiny attic opening and hack at the cobwebs up there with a machete (#53: "Provides appropriate tools worker does not have, such as machete"). I even offered him some lemonade, which he seemed grateful for (#67: "Offers refreshment other than water").

He wiped his hands on his already filthy pants. I knew this was calculated to get at a characteristic on the rating scale: #69, "Grimaces at sight of dirt on worker's person," so I carefully kept my face neutral. He said, "Well, missy, it's a good thing I kinda like ya'll" -- by which I knew he meant "your sister" -- "otherwise, I mighta just said I couldn't fix it at'all!"

I breathed a sigh of relief and with all my acting skills -- which aren't many -- I profusely thanked him for his hard labors and offered him the machete as a gift. He seemed appreciative and made a little mark on his clipboard.

The outlets have worked fine ever since.