The hidden role of insurance

I have discovered how babies come about, and it has nothing to do with the birds and the bees. It has everything to do with the insurance companies' coverage of birth control.

I called my doctor's office the other day for a refill, and the kind woman on the other end of the line noted that I was due for my annual exam in a month. She said my insurance wouldn't approve a refill until I had seen my doctor.

"But I can't make a visit until after it's been one year, right?" I said. "I mean, insurance won't cover an annual unless it's been exactly or more than a year since the last annual." Kind of like how you can't go to the dentist a single day earlier than six months after your last cleaning visit.

She acknowledged that that was correct.

"So what you're saying," I went on, trying to wrap my head around this thing, "is that the insurance company won't cover my pills until I see the doctor, but they won't cover my doctor visit until after Aug. 19th. At which point I will have been out of pills for -- let's see -- 21 days."

"Actually, it will be a little big longer than that," the woman said apologetically. "The doctor doesn't have any available openings until Sept. 7th."

The insurance companies must be in some kind of conspiracy to raise the national birth rate, I thought. Or in cahoots with OB/GYNs to raise their patient loads.

Fortunately, the woman was very sympathetic. She had probably seen her share of insurance-induced pregnancies. "I'll call your insurance company and beg them to authorize enough to get you through to your visit," she said generously, then more sternly, "But you HAVE to come in, or..."

"I know, I know," I said. "I have to come in, or the insurance company will hold my pills hostage."

"See you on the 7th," she said.