Belt 101

I thought I needed a whole new wardrobe for my new job, but it turns out all I really needed was a new belt.


The belt came about as a result of an impromptu Belt 101: Intro to Wearing Belts at Places Other than Your Pant Loops class at The Limited store, where a most helpful young saleswoman introduced me to the art of arranging a belt around one's sweater. This art, like most involving fashion, has always eluded me, necessitating the Belt 101 class.


The saleswoman was delightfully fluent in using belts not only to accent an outfit, but also as camouflage. If you want to hide some part of your person, she said -- and who doesn't? she said -- put a belt around it. If you want to shift some part of your person to another area where it does not by nature reside, place the belt in a strategic location. She knew all the strategic locations.


She spoke so confidently that she made me confident that I could do this, even though prior experience suggested otherwise. I took my belt and my top into the dressing room and followed her instructions as best I remembered. The result resembled a sack of potatoes being strangled.


"I think I need help," I said.


The first belt was too big, she declared. Thank goodness, it wasn't just me.


With the second belt she fussed and pulled and finally declared me fit to go out into public. I noted to my friend that it had taken a very long time to arrange myself in this outfit, and I still needed help.


"You're new at this," she said comfortingly. "It'll get easier."


If not, I will have a good excuse for being late to work. "Sorry I'm late," I will say to my new boss. "I was putting my belt on."


I retreated into the dressing room to try more clothes on, and eventually the saleswoman expressed concern at my lengthy stay there.


"You're not second-guessing, are you?" she called.


I assured her I was merely trying on other items, and in a voice that indicated I had better be telling the truth, she called back, "Good. Cuz I thought we had an agreement that it looked wonderful."


Of course, she said, I would want to get The Limited credit card, with rewards and points and 15% off my first purchase and various other perks, which I was disappointed to learn did not include her personally coming to my home whenever I wanted to wear the belt and arranging it for me.


So I guess I'll be on my own when I take the final exam for Belt 101. If you see a strangled sack of potatoes walking down the street, please say hi. And please say you like the belt.