There are a lot of issues in government today, what with deep divisions over health care, a looming shutdown, lawmakers hiding out in states they do not belong in to avoid voting in the state they do belong in, etc. But personally, I think we are all missing the really important issue. I strongly believe that we need a thoughtful, rational, bipartisan discussion about the state of toasters today.
The modern toaster was invented in 1893, or 1909 if you prefer that date, and has remained virtually unchanged since then, in the sense that it doesn't really toast your bread. The first toasters worked in the following manner, and I quote:
"It only toasted one side of the bread at a time, and it required a person to stand by and turn it off manually when the toast looked done."
Has anything changed? Five hundred years from now, someone might say the following about modern toasters, including mine:
"It only toasted one side of the bread at a time, and it required a person to stand by and turn the toast around to get the other side browned. The person continued to stand by and turn off the toaster manually so as not to burn the toast."
It is true that many helpful features have been added to toasters since they were first invented, such as the automatic pop-up (invented in 1919), which promised great advances in the art of toasting. Unfortunately the timing of the pop-up was -- and still is, on my toaster -- completely unrelated to the doneness of the toast, and early consumers finally gave up on figuring out when the toast was actually done and continued to rely heavily on their family dog to notify them of this important event.
Later, settings were added to toasters so consumers could more precisely toast their bread. The numbers went something like this:
1: still bread
2: still bread
3: BWEEP! BWEEP! BWEEP! Your toast has been reduced to cancer-causing carbon! We must shut down your toaster immediately!
Following years of this dismal performance, scientists worked hard to improve this function on toasters, tweaking mysterious coils and wires inside the toasters and adding more settings to allow consumers to further refine their toast. This determined effort paid off with the following results:
1: still bread
2: still bread
3-69: BWEEP! BWEEP! BWEEP! Your toast has been reduced to cancer-causing carbon! We must shut down your toaster immediately!
Nor are theses complaints limited to low-end toasters. A very expensive toaster lives at a relative's house, and though I do not know whether it actually performs the amazing feat of toasting both sides of the bread at the same time, I do know that when your toast is ready in this particular toaster, it does not pop up. Even for $200, you still must monitor the appliance to see if your toast is ready. Ostensibly this feature is to keep your toast warmer, but if this is true then perhaps the manufacturer should include some sort of signal so you know that it's ready. Something along the lines of a deep butler-ish voice saying, "Your perfectly browned, slightly crunchy toast is ready at your convenience, madam."
So I really think we need the government to put aside all these little petty issues it is dealing with, and give some concentrated thought to fixing the deplorable state of toasters today. Dialogue might go something like this:
One side: What we need is a committee to investigate this. No, a department. No, a departmental committee. Well, maybe we need a bailout of toaster manufacturers.
One side: What we need is a committee to investigate this. No, a department. No, a departmental committee. Well, maybe we need a bailout of toaster manufacturers.
Other side: Let's give all toaster users a tax break! But only on toasters over $1,350.
I say we organize a Million Toaster March and let Congress know we want toaster reform. Now. Or as soon as our toast is done.
I say we organize a Million Toaster March and let Congress know we want toaster reform. Now. Or as soon as our toast is done.
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